


Dear Agony

by cynicalwish



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:01:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynicalwish/pseuds/cynicalwish
Summary: (T.W. Suicide.)Alex Standall's diary entries. (Based on S1)-------------------------------------------------------------------------------http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html (hotlines in every country.)UK crisis text line - 85258USA/Canada crisis text line - 741741Ireland crisis text line - 50808
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	1. Dear Hannah,

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so Alex was the only reason I watched 13RW and I figured he deserved a bit more exploration. I personally relate to his story and I hope this helps people understand his mindset better and that I can do him justice. In later seasons he's almost unrecognisable, so consider this a tribute to what he was once upon a time before Br*n Y*rkey butchered him and well....everything. 
> 
> Comments, kudos and pretty much any interactions are appreciated if you want to leave them. <3

Dear Hannah,

Ever since it happened, people keep telling me that I should keep a diary and vent. So I thought why not? Can't make things any worse, that's impossible.

It feels dumb missing you now, because I wouldn't have to if I wasn't such a selfish asshole to you. But would I? Would it have happened anyway? I listened to all of them like you said, twice actually because it felt like a fever dream. A fever nightmare even. Are those a thing? Listening to them was surreal. Regardless, writing is the closest thing to talking to you so here goes. 

I took you for granted and traded up, but I promise it was never about you or anything you did. We're more similar than you think. I needed to hear it though. You're right, I was the butterfly and I'll never get what it's like to be a girl on a dumb fucking list like that. Thing is though, I know what it's like to be a guy. Hence the dumb decision to hang out with the jocks. I did it for Zach, because he is a good person at heart even if he's a moron otherwise. But I also did it so my dad would be proud, he always wanted me to be more like Peter. Remember what I said about how he just wants me to go shooting with him and pass P.E? I meant it. He doesn't even know I joined jazz band. It's why I pretended I was like them, but it was lonely as fuck. I wish I spent that time being myself with you and maybe we'd have learned how similar we were. I've wanted to end things before. Not sure I could have helped, but maybe you'd have felt less alone if I told you. It didn't have to be like this. 

I belonged at that coffee table where you and Jessica drank your boring hot chocolates. I still remember when I first saw you guys. Confident, full of life, I envied it and wished I was part of it and for the short time I was, it was the best. What I'd give for one more meeting at the "office." We wasted time talking about remedial maths when we could have been helping each other hang on. I can't tell you that I'm sorry anymore, but I hope you know it wherever you are. And Jess...I should have told you about me and Jess. We should never have left you out, it was so shitty. She just made me feel alive and I got so wrapped up in her that I didn't see anything else. Maybe I should have confided in you and included you, but I was a coward. And in some stupid way, it made me feel more normal. I get shit for being more feminine and it stopped when I caved in. I dated a cheerleader, befriended some jocks and shut off my feelings but none of it matters because you were the one good thing I had. And I ruined it like a weak, pathetic loser.

I miss your goofy laugh, your voice echoing in the hallways when you were excited and how you always wanted to help people. You were good to the end and it sucks that you lost that spark because of me. I have so much I'd tell you and so much I'd do differently, but I can't. Seeing all the things you're missing out on and hearing songs you'd have liked...it's a lot. You had so much to live for. I'll visit though, promise. Even though you don't know I'm there. I'll miss you, always.

I'll fight for you, I promise!

FML forever.

\- Male. 


	2. 10.06.17

Dear Hannah,

I've handed in at least half a dozen notes from the doctor and they still think I'm fine. The lateness is "appointments," totally not me oversleeping. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay like my best friend didn't die. Like how the fuck do they think I am? I've resorted to turning the question back at them. Does that make me a dick? I don't mean to be so blunt. Just happens. I don't know what we're gonna do without you.

\- Male.


	3. 10.07.17

Dear Hannah,

I need to tell you about the fight I had with Monty. I started it, as I tried to tell the stupid fucking council. But they got him excluded instead, and it's obvious why. They were scared and trying not to be suspicious. I know Monty's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's the strongest. Could kill me, without even breaking a sweat.  
I clearly picked that fight to lose and no one even batted an eyelash. I wanted to hurt, to punish myself for everything. I just don't see the point in being at school anymore. I meant it when I said I have no plans. No future to plan for, especially not after this. But alas, like most of my plans, it failed and now I'm stuck in Liberty Hell.

If you couldn't tell, things at Liberty have been hectic.

Still miss you, female.

\- Male.


	4. 10.11.17

Dear Hannah,

Overslept again today. Probably why I was so groggy. Did you ever fucking hate the thought of getting up? Because sometimes it's like a really heavy weight is holding you down. Probably the weight of knowing you killed your best friend, totally normal thing to be able to say. I'm still sorry.

Some asshole from band had the audacity to joke about suicide today, like he doesn't know what happened. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't go around recommending Gloomy Sunday. Still think it's a masterpiece though, I'll die on that hill. Totally the only reason I brought it up. Not a hint at all. But sarcasm aside, it was even deeper than that, it was like a personal attack. Even the word feels too personal now.

I don't know how I'm meant to do this. I've had thoughts before, even at my old school, but sometimes I think I shouldn't be here if you're not. I was the one that caused this and I'm still here. It's not right. If we could swap places, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

\- Male.


	5. 10.18.17

Dear Hannah,

So I quit jazz band before a big performance. I just couldn't do it. Guitar is the least of my worries right now, I'm not even good at it anyway. I'm sure they'll be fine without me. Better even. Teacher was just being pushy and singling me out and I lashed out. I get so fucking annoyed recently. You thought I was sarcastic, well you should see me now. A ball of rage. I may or may not be responsible for half the posters in the school being torn down...oops? I just hate the fucking hypocrisy.

The assholes, you know who I'm talking about, got me to chug down the most disgusting drink. Bottle of vodka, I think. You heard that right, a whole fucking bottle. It was a race against Jensen, I was powerless to stop it. I just stopped caring for a minute you know? About whether I was being reckless or dumb. About the consequences, because it was good to thinking about other shit for once, no offence. Like how it burned my throat and that I wasn't alone. I never hang out with people, you know me all introverted and whatever, but I don't think I have anyone else and I'm tired of being lonely. That's on me though, I know.

Talk soon. Hopefully.

\- Male.


	6. 10.22.17

Dear Hannah,

So Zach forced me to join him at Bryce's today. Ended up a disaster. I was angry and thinking about you and I guess I was a little....too interested in the shooting aspect of the game we played. (I totally kicked Monty's ass at it) I kinda got overwhelmed and freaked out.

But the point is that I flung myself into his pool. I guess I needed to cool down and not just physically, but I swear I could have screamed the entire time I was there. It feels so fucking weird acting like everything is fine.

I was underwater for a while and it felt nice. Even toyed with the idea of staying there until it was all over, but if I'm going out it's not gonna be in Bryce fucking Walker's pool.

I hoped I would wake up from this weird fucking nightmare and get to tell you all about it over coffee. The guilt is killing me, please know I cared and I'll always be sorry.

\- Male.


	7. 10.24.17

Dear Hannah,

I've been thinking, and we all know that's never good. Mostly about how Jess is all about Justin now, I'm surprised I've gone this long without writing about it. Guess I was tired of thinking about it and I've been so unmotivated that writing about it felt like too much. I know why she broke up with me, but why am I not good enough for a second chance?

Wait, that's obvious. I'm not Justin. Even my dad would prefer him as a son. Like I said, he was just relieved I had guy friends when I hung out with the jocks. He thinks the world of Justin for being sporty and ultra-macho or whatever. I saved that asshole's life, did I mention? And he still rubs it in. Like I get it, you're better than me. You win. She probably just felt bad for me, but I feel like I need her at this point. It's making me irrational. Like I said to Clay at that party, yes I went to an actual party but it was just for her, "it's love not logic." Well in that case, screw love.

Talk soon.

\- Male.


	8. 10.29.17

Dear Hannah,

Did you ever joke about killing yourself in the hopes someone would catch on? It's easier than seriously talking about shit, right? Sometimes I do things just to see if anyone actually notices. Like I remember when I tossed my food out in front of Justin and Zach. And when I drove that car so damn fast. even my dad might have ticketed me if he wasn't so protective. No one asked why though...because as long as they're fine who gives a shit?

I've been numb since you left. Before that even, just never this bad. Maybe you're my butterfly too, funny how that works. But do you know what? You're a fucking hypocrite. Because if I left, you'd have been torn like I am. Hell you expected us to notice and yet when I came out of the movie theatre late that day, in tears, you pretended not to notice. 

I'm sorry I'm being like this, but I just wish you were here and I can't believe you left me. It's so easy to pretend things are fine when I'm writing through tears and rage, but I think it just sunk in how angry I am. I've been hurt, guilty, remorseful and wished it was me instead but right now I'm just angry. And maybe that's just a waste, because I'll regret it tomorrow if all I am today is angry, right?

Miss you.

\- Male.


	9. 11.01.17

Dear Hannah,

Love will tear us apart. 

\- Male.


	10. 11.07.17

Dear Hannah,

Just visited you.

\- Male.


	11. 10.09.17

Dear Hannah,

Did you ever feel invisible? 

\- Male.


	12. 11.10.17

Dear Hannah,

Dad got me out of the depositions. If I can't help you, what's the point anymore? This was my chance. I blew it.

I'm sorry.

\- Male.


	13. Bye.

To whoever reads this,

I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault, it was all on me. I chose this, because I can't do it anymore. Not while knowing what I did to her.   
Don't blame yourself for what happened to me. It's so much more complicated than even I can explain. I've always felt like something was wrong, but I had to keep going and do the right thing. Now I'm powerless and something has to change. Don't water it down. I was never okay, but I wasn't this broken until I realised what we're all capable of. 

Bye.

\- Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, 
> 
> I'll be making this a four part series where I re-write events in the next few seasons from Alex's p.o.v. This was intended to explore why his behaviour was so troubling and the thought process behind those little signs many people missed was. I will be delving into recovery and improving problematic elements of the show.


End file.
